Sometimes, it's so frustrating being me. To deal with my scars every single day. I hate looking at myself, realising how closed off I am.
At first, I thought I was pretty open when it came to talking about what happened in my life. But then, I realised I was just open about what happened, and not about how I felt. I realised, that everytime emotions and feelings came across in those conversations, I started to close myself off. Afraid of showing how I felt. Afraid of what could happen if I showed how vulnerable I was.
Over the years, I've developed a fear of opening up. As long as I don't have to share my feelings, I'm fine. I'll even talk about stuff as if I don't care about what happened. As if it didn't hurt at all. As if what happened, is normal. Like it was no big deal. But once my feelings get involved, I'll freeze. I'll have one of the thickest walls to break through. One of the hardest walls to tear down. And the reason why? To protect myself.
In the past, people have hurt me so bad, that I am now afraid to let others in. And though I know I shouldn't block new people out because of what others did to me in the past.. I can't help it. I can't help that I'll block new people out. It's because I've lost trust in people. Trust that they won't break me. Over the years, I've became so insecure. That I'm afraid to give others the chance to show themselves.
And though I would really want to, letting people in is one of the hardest things for me to do. Because to me, letting people in, is like giving them permission to break you, but trusting them not to. And that's a kind of trust that's been damaged by people I've let in before.
It's something that's hard to understand for those who've never experienced this fear. And that's what makes it hard. People can't bring up the understanding to be gentle to the people who face this fear everyday of their lifes. They will never truly understand how worthless you can feel after someone breaks your trust once again. They will never truly understand how much effort it costs you to open up. Therefore, they won't have the patience to wait for you to trust again. And they will give up on you, leaving you with another scar on your once again damaged trust..